WASHINGTON -  President Bush on Tuesday announced the creation of a brand new special task force to fight drugs, racial intolerance, and generally kick ass. 

“After much thought, I think this is gonna be pretty cool,” Bush said at a press conference in which he announced John Rambo, Mr. T, and Walker Texas Ranger would be leading his new vigilante group, called "The Action Friends."

When the press questioned the selection of two fictional characters, President Bush simply responded by saying. “It’s pretty Bad Ass huh?”

Colonel Trautman expressed his pride for John Rambo, who was unable to attend due to AWOL activity, by saying he “Was glad that John could pull his life together.  It’s been a long time since that vagrancy arrest.”

Mr. T was on hand for the press conference and was a bit peeved that his fellow leaders were unable to attend.   He looked depressed under his gold chains, but after giving a shout out to Gary Coleman, “T” announced plans to open a chain of themed restaurants with his new comrades called, “Planet Forgotten Action Star.” 

The restaurant will apparently feature memorabilia from the three semi-stars as well as collectibles from Dolph Lungren and “Hercules” Kevin Sorbo.

The Task Force’s first order of duty is to infiltrate the White House and watch Suburban Commando with the President.

Walker Texas Ranger was unable to attend the press conference because he is currently appearing in early morning re-runs.

Technorati Tags: George W. Bush, President Bush, White House, Rambo, Walker Texas Ranger, Mr. T, Suburban Commando

Well, it turns out that a 43 year old German man was a bit upset about his recent divorce, and decided to cut his family’s house in two with a chainsaw.  In case you’re wondering you read correctly, he cut his whole house in two.  Some of you may be thinking that he merely cut through part of it in an attempt to make an empty gesture.  I assure you that he made a full gesture and hauled his portion of the house away on a truck.

What caused this man to do this?  A divorce is one thing, but cutting your house in half is completely different.  It’s not like this was an afternoon job like cutting the grass… "Well, better go cut the house in half, been putting that off for a while now."  Part of me wonders if he was taking down his "Baywatch" posters when he ripped a portion of his German wallpaper which led to a series of unfolding disasters in an attempt to cover the blemish.  A little putty here, a trim there, and before you know it you’ve got 2 bedrooms and point five baths on the back of a flatbed truck.

I wonder what you think when you pull up in your drive and half of your house is missing.  It probably depends on what kind of day your having.  I can imagine pulling up and not even noticing it until you realize that your neighbors can see you tinkling in what used to be an ornate powder room.  

I guess the guy ended up going to his brother’s house to stay.  I wonder what happened when the brother offered to help bring some of his things into the house.  "Gunther, you can sleep on the pull out couch, but you’re not putting that thing in the rec room.  I don’t care what you had to do to get it here.  Why don’t you sleep in it?  I know, you already said it was drafty." 

Technorati Tags: chainsaw, divorce, Baywatch, house, split, divorce settlement

So, as most of you know, James Brown has passed away, and if you didn’t know I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he did.  It might be time to fire up Rocky IV for a little tribute if you haven’t already.

However I wouldn’t be suprised if you had forgotten that James Brown died because he died on Christmas Day.  That’s fastly approaching three months ago.   And he was finally, albeit temporarily, laid to rest on Saturday. 

Al Sharpton gave an over annunciated eulogy and the Godfather of Soul was placed in the crawl space of one of his daughter’s houses until a more suitable shrine can be erected.   

Yet, where was he for the last 73 days?  Sure there was a couple of public viewings, but the way this estate seems to be getting handled I wouldn’t be surprised if the family accidentally left him in the trunk of a taxi cab after one of the viewings.

Of course, he did have a different costume for each of the viewings, so perhaps his grandkids kept him around for a couple of weeks so they could play dress up a little longer. 

Unfortunately the fun ended when little Susie accidentally snapped off Grandpa’s arm.  

Technorati Tags: James Brown, Godfather of Soul, Rocky IV, Al Sharpton, death

I read today that a Pakastani man is wanted for digging up the corpse of his father in an attempt to revive him.  It’s not like the father had been dead for two years… Oh wait, he was.  What were you thinking Abdul?  I can see, and possibly justify a couple days, but two years.  This isn’t a case of, "I forgot to get the milk, better go pick it up."  This is more like, "Whatever happened to that A-Team Matchbox Car we had?"

There are three things about this story that intrigue me. 

One, I imagine Abdul sitting at home when he has a light bulb moment, "I’ve got it! Maybe, just maybe if I… He’ll come back to life!"  I can only assume that his plan didn’t involve the regeneration of skin and muscle tissue.  Those were merely obstacles to be tackled if the initial test worked.

The second part that makes me laugh is the fact that Abdul went through the trouble to steal an ambulance because his idea was that good.  Seriously though, he had potentially discovered the key to restoring life.  He couldn’t simply drive down to the cemetary in a Mazda.  This was much bigger. 

And finally, I wish I could have been there when his extravagant plan failed.  "Son of a… Well, I guess that didn’t work.  Was the chicken not fresh enough?  Or should I have used Kosher salt.  Ugh! Too many variables!  Curse you creator!"  

He also left the corpse in his bedroom for 12 hours, which makes me wonder if he was pacing back and forth in the room frantically searching for another solution.   

Oh, and did I mention that he kidnapped a "vagabond" that slept in the cemetary and proceeded to lock him in his room.  The vagabond spends time around dead people, surely he had some good ideas and suggestions on how to get this earth shattering discovery off the ground if his initial attempt failed.  Alas, his makshift Igor was useless.

Anyway, he left out of the bedroom and there’s a warrant of for his arrest.  And they reburied the body.  Which is probably going to put a damper on further testing because Abdul will have to calculate digging time into his plan again.

Technorati Tags: corpse, Frankenstein, Mazda, A-Team, kosher salt

I can only imagine the glee in the eyes of the individual that invented the automated handicapped door.  Not because of the ease in which the elderly and disabled can open and shuffle through the doors, but because of the awkwardness that is created when the average Joe approaches the door.

It’s a constant judgment game if some one has recently opened the door prior to your arrival.  Your body goes into panic mode, wondering when and if the door is going to jerk shut as you walk through.

Because nothing makes you look more like an idiot than flinching at an emergency door for the disabled. When the timer in that trap door goes off that door whips pretty fast. But seriously it’s like being frightened by a walker or any other implement that aids the elderly.  Of course, that being said, there is nothing wrong with being frightened by bedpans, catheters, and old people in general.

As far as this robotic door, I liken it to an older brother that fakes a punch that lands merely centimeters short of your face.  It doesn’t hit you, but you have indeed ruined your shorts.  

I can only imagine the havoc this deathtrap causes the elderly.  I bet it scares the holy hell out of them, just like cars, the Internet, and Doritos.  It’s going to be a shame, and even more ironic, when Stella is crushed to death by a door that was supposed to help her.

But if the individual that invented said door is anything like me, they take comfort in knowing that almost every person that walks through has a really good shot of taking it in the face, or being forced into the door jamb when the door hits them in the buttocks.

Also, is it wrong to press the button to open a handicapped door when you’re not handicapped?  What if you press the button to open the door when someone is reaching for the door on the other side, for the sole purpose of slamming the door into them?

Technorati Tags: handicap, handicap doors, Doritos, automatic doors

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been to Medieval Times dressed as Conan The Barbarian.  And your loin cloth accidentally fell off?  Only me?  Oh.

Technorati Tags: Medieval Times, Conan the Barbarian, loin cloth

How can we stop bird flu when millions of men continue to be attacked and mauled by back hair?

[tags]bird flu, avian flu, back hair[/tags

Even though I’ve been plagued with a plethora of accidents this year (including an undisclosed stubbed toe), and the death of three family pets; I’m still thankful.  Yep, things have been pretty shaky for me this past year and it shows no sign of stopping.  

It started out when my long time girlfriend dumped me for a computer programmer, a chippendale’s dancer, three auto mechanics, and an accountant whom she seems happy with.  I’m happy for her.  

Although, I’m upset that she punished my “checking in” with a restraining order.   It’s hard to check up from 150 yards.

Then my car was accidentally impounded because I had parked next to Jermaine, my neighbor, who turned out to be a drug dealer.  We speak every Wednesday between 1 and 4, and I often kid him about his gold teeth.  He also made me an honorary “Blood.”   I was flattered.  I also got a cool medal ( I think  it’s a broach he stole from my older next door neighbor, Agnes). 

Unfortunately, Jermaine was arrested for stealing said broach.  My car was impounded because that’s where I put the broach.  They destroyed my car and returned the broach to Agnes.  I was cleared off all charges when Jermaine stood up for me and explained the situation. 

Turns out he had some outstanding warrants, so we won’t be seeing him anytime soon.  Although I hear he’s formed a little rap group in the joint, and I’ll be checking them out next Thursday.  Any way, the state ended up buying me a new car, too bad it was an old Volvo.  It’s like driving a refrigerator box.  

This next message is for Jermaine, when he reads my blog on the internet, courtesy of the Wisconsin taxpayers:

Hey brotha I can’t wait ta see yo show upside yo head. I’m pumped. Wiznill they be messin’ soda there? Also, I won’t git raped wizzay I. Oh, n I can bring tizzy key in.

Technorati Tags: computer programmer, drug dealer, Volvo, jail time, impounded car

I believe that Dan Brown plagerized “The Da Vinci Code” from my early manuscript “Jesus And The Gang”  in which I hypothesized that Jesus was the leader of group of street thugs that sang and danced.

Technorati Tags: Dan Brown, Da Vinci Code, Jesus, manuscript

The quickest way to a woman’s heart is through her blouse.