I’ve found that, the scoffing at others’ beliefs only brings a wrath from God like no other.  When attending a catholic service, a limp-wristed wave at Holy Water will unleash unruly hell.   God forgives a lot, but when you mess with his water, you better watch out sucka. 

Quicker than you can say Supercalifragil…..(Maybe I should use a shorter word)  Faster than you can say Ambisal.  Perfect.   Faster than you can say Ambisal, He’s on you. 

Although this time factor isn’t exactly true.  He takes his time, and gets around to it when he can.  Honestly, you’re one person in a world of billions.  He’ll get to you, probably after lunch.  Just in time for you to get a false sense of security and then BLAMMO, he hits you with some gum on the shoe. 

Doug, that doesn’t sound bad?  Wait for it.  Then your remote stops working, and your wife burns your lunch.  You decide to get your paper, only to find it stolen.  The day from hell is just beginning.  The next thing you know, you’re riding a bicycle downtown in a white leather jacket with fringes hanging from your sleeve.  A normal day to some, but not you. 

Things are starting to get jacked up, but it’s just starting.  While stopping to yell at complete strangers, you roll your ankle on a curb.  The pain is excruciating, and you pass out.  You wake up three days later on the same street.  No one bothered to help you because garbage collection is a mere days away.  In the meantime, all of the Indian shop owners have piled their garbage around you for the pick up. 

You dust yourself off,  but something doesn’t feel right.  You go to the shop window to examine your reflection only to find, that a garbage bag has rubbed off a considerable amount of hair.  You now have a skullet and alas, someone has stolen your beautiful jacket. 

Luckily, they left your banana bicycle, but the seat has been removed.  You struggle to uncomfortably make your way home. 

When you arrive home, you discover that a group of four chimpanzees, stole your two children and ate them.  You go to the insurance office to file the claim, but your policy doesn’t cover chimp attacks, because you opted not to pay for the coverage. 

Finally, driving to your house, which you can see burning in the distance, you get in an accident.  You don’t die and your car isn’t scratched, but your airbag kicked your ass.   For some reason, your airbag must have been a limited edition and had fists.  It also had so much fury that it busted up the windshield pretty good, making the car unusable. 

All of this because you dismissed the Holy Water.  So watch yourself.  The most insignificant and nonchalant response can infuriate God in proportions that you would’ve never thought possible. 

So, the next time you encounter a cup of Holy Water, you best take a cozy bath and soak God in.  I’ve also learned that one must respect all religions.  Except for Hippies.  God laughs at them too. Amen.

Technorati Tags: nuns, Holy Water, God, Ambisal, Catholic, banana bike, leather jacket, chimpanzees, hippies