I have a hamster.  Her name is Betty and she just turned 6 months old.  Anyway, I guess she’s going through some sort of mid life crisis or something.  The reason I say that is because she approached me yesterday and told me that her biological clock was ticking and that she was lonely.  

I did try to hook her up once with a neighbor’s hamster, Earl, but he was a little bit of a drinker.  He takes a couple of drinks and then he gets real belligerent and starts throwing litter around her apartment.  It was a very unhealthy relationship.  I think he was hitting her too.  I tried to convince her that he wasn’t right for her, but sometimes we get blinded by love.  

My friend Lou has a hamster named Pete, but he too had his share of problems.  Pete was obsessive.  He just couldn’t get enough exercise.  He was always on that wheel, and I know Betty felt neglected.  He was also pretty religious, and that can get scary sometimes.  On the other hand he dressed like a million bucks.  I think he was one of those metrosexuals.  His coat was beautiful, but Betty told me that he would go to great lengths to avoid physical contact.  Whatever that means?  

Understandably, Betty has been pretty upset.  She came into my bedroom last night and told me she wanted to have a baby.  I began to explain to her that the physical logistics of the whole situation just wouldn’t work.  She  cut me off and told me she wanted to go to a "bank."  

I was relieved.  

So, she brings home this book with all the prospective hamster candidates and we begin to look.  The donors are broken down into sub categories such as nobel prize winners and athletes.  We looked through the book and laughed at some of the haircuts and the hamsters that were donating strictly for money.  It was a difficult process because there are so many things one must take into account.  Betty wanted a guy that was going to live more than a year.  It’s just good genes.   She was also concerned about hair loss.

Some of the smarter hamsters looked nerdy and had oily hair, so they were out.  A lot of the jocks looked borderline retarded and the business men had thin mustaches.  

She finally narrowed it down to two candidates.  Johnny, number 573, and Robert, number 1,028.  They are both wonderful choices, but I think a prefer Robert.  He looks more romantic and he has a butt that won’t quit.  

Betty still hasn’t decided, but she goes in for the procedure next Wednesday.   I was worried that they wouldn’t be able to find latex gloves small enough, but she assured me that everything would be fine.  I’m happy she’s doing something for herself for a change.   

I hope we don’t lose her though, because I don’t think I’m ready to buy my thirty second hamster.  I might wait a week to let myself get over it.   But, if everything goes right we might have a little one running around here soon.  I’ll buy bubble gum cigars for everyone!

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