I was not expecting it to be this cold.  What is this a freezer?  I woke up this morning to fetch the daily paper.  I was wearing the usual attire, a lime green Speed-O.  I “forgot” to put on my robe, because my next door neighbor is quite a looker.  She’s got a curvy body, AND she collects stamps.  I know, double threat.  

Anyway, I walk outside and my 98% exposed body almost froze to the sidewalk.  I quickly ran out to the curb and slipped.  Apparently human feet don’t have the traction needed to quickly sprint or slowly run across ice.  Although my Aunt Dorothy never seemed to have a problem.  Of course, she had several large bunions and corns, I’m sure those helped her grip into the ice.  

So,  I slip.  Hard.  Things went fuzzy for a little while.  I was dazed, partially because my body had propelled off of the ground so far.   I picked up my paper, “Local Man Jumps Out of Bucket Crane!”  Freezing, I decide to head back in, but not before flexing and doing some calisthenics for the aforementioned neighbor.

As I approached the door, I realized something of the gravest importance.  My second grade teacher WAS named Ms. Raleigh!  I was discussing it several days ago with a friend of mine.  I could have sworn it was Ms. Stevens, but now I remember.  Wow, that was great news.  I was glad to have that finally pinned down, but it appeared that I had bigger problems.  

It would seem that I forgot my key.  It was true.  I was unable to find a place for it on the small neon attire I was donning.  Quite frankly, (cough cough), there wasn’t enough room for it.  Who just yelled, “what about the crotch?”  

Some people might be a little confused.  I put a self locking mechanism on my door because once I forgot to lock my door and some guy stole a plethora of personal belongings, including an alarm clock from the TV show Coach, that I later found on eBay.  

I was locked out and it was freezing cold.  I was out there for five hours.  I was late to work and the mail lady found me passed out trying to squeeze in through the doggy door I installed.  Fortunately for the mail lady, she has an image in her head that I hope she’ll never forget.   

The important thing is that I’ve learned a lesson, and tonight I will be sewing a small pocket on my Speed-Os for tomorrow.  I’ll also have to look into some sort of snow sandal.

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