As the regular season of football comes to a close in the next three weeks, I’ve come to some startling discoveries:

I can always see the field better than the quarterback.  I can also throw better than him.  I can see when a sack is coming, and I would never throw an interception.  In fact, I’m actually better than every player on the field in every position.  I am a superstar.  What qualifies me to be such a master of the grid iron?  I sit on a couch and shout at the screen.  And, I occasionally watch ESPN. 

No other time while watching TV, do I alternate so frequently between sitting and standing.  I’m up and down more times than my uncle, and he has prostate problems.  He’s goes to the bathroom every two minutes.

Swearing can become commonplace during the course of a football game.  It doesn’t matter whether you’re winning or losing.  It is however, important to stop swearing when the game ends.  My grandma called, I was drunk, and although I don’t remember totally, I think I said some pretty bad things.  I’m almost positive that I blamed her for the loss.

Most football players don’t want to hear from you, even if you are their fantasy coach.  I had a problem with Julius Jones, and his effort.  I approached him about it, and told him that if he didn’t step it up, the Dane Co. Jobbers would never make it into the playoffs.  I felt relieved to get that off my chest, but like the prima donna he is, he refused to discuss anything.  I received my restraining order yesterday.  This could really hurt contract negotiations for next year.

Technorati Tags: football, ESPN, quarterback, lineman, fantasy football, Julius Jones, playoffs