Raise your hand if you’ve ever been to Medieval Times dressed as Conan The Barbarian.  And your loin cloth accidentally fell off?  Only me?  Oh.

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How can we stop bird flu when millions of men continue to be attacked and mauled by back hair?

[tags]bird flu, avian flu, back hair[/tags

Even though I’ve been plagued with a plethora of accidents this year (including an undisclosed stubbed toe), and the death of three family pets; I’m still thankful.  Yep, things have been pretty shaky for me this past year and it shows no sign of stopping.  

It started out when my long time girlfriend dumped me for a computer programmer, a chippendale’s dancer, three auto mechanics, and an accountant whom she seems happy with.  I’m happy for her.  

Although, I’m upset that she punished my “checking in” with a restraining order.   It’s hard to check up from 150 yards.

Then my car was accidentally impounded because I had parked next to Jermaine, my neighbor, who turned out to be a drug dealer.  We speak every Wednesday between 1 and 4, and I often kid him about his gold teeth.  He also made me an honorary “Blood.”   I was flattered.  I also got a cool medal ( I think  it’s a broach he stole from my older next door neighbor, Agnes). 

Unfortunately, Jermaine was arrested for stealing said broach.  My car was impounded because that’s where I put the broach.  They destroyed my car and returned the broach to Agnes.  I was cleared off all charges when Jermaine stood up for me and explained the situation. 

Turns out he had some outstanding warrants, so we won’t be seeing him anytime soon.  Although I hear he’s formed a little rap group in the joint, and I’ll be checking them out next Thursday.  Any way, the state ended up buying me a new car, too bad it was an old Volvo.  It’s like driving a refrigerator box.  

This next message is for Jermaine, when he reads my blog on the internet, courtesy of the Wisconsin taxpayers:

Hey brotha I can’t wait ta see yo show upside yo head. I’m pumped. Wiznill they be messin’ soda there? Also, I won’t git raped wizzay I. Oh, n I can bring tizzy key in.

Technorati Tags: computer programmer, drug dealer, Volvo, jail time, impounded car

I believe that Dan Brown plagerized “The Da Vinci Code” from my early manuscript “Jesus And The Gang”  in which I hypothesized that Jesus was the leader of group of street thugs that sang and danced.

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The quickest way to a woman’s heart is through her blouse.

Well, I’ve been losing sleep lately, and it’s all because of a charity.  And for those of you wondering this has nothing to do with the time I donated to the “Sucker Born Everyday Foundation.” How was I supposed to know that the organization was fraudulent and that children with physical disabilities are rarely called “suckers?”  

I recently became concerned about wildlife and I decided to help conserve the wetlands.  Those of you who know me, know that wildlife has been on my mind for several days.  It’s one of my passions.  

So, I started this new organization, “Ten Individuals Terrified About Losing Our Wetlands." 

So, I set out to save the wetlands.  We organized a big rally to start cleaning the wetlands, and to kick off Wetlands Awareness Day, or WAD.  My world began to crumble during the preparations and the ground breaking ceremony for this monumentous event.

Of course, we wanted some nice pictures of the ground breaking ceremony, so we had to cut down a couple of trees in the offending area (the wetlands).  It was a small price to pay to get the news vans onto the grounds.  I must confess that I was strictly thinking about media exposure and not the wetlands.  It was wrong of me.  

We also had to kill an enormous amount of mosquitos and other critters, in order to ensure a comfortable atmosphere.  It was a hassle swatting every thirty seconds.  We’re not machines.  I know, hindsight’s always 20/20, and maybe that was against our original goal, but it did make for a more enjoyable afternoon.  

The rough spot came when we decided to put up our organizations sign during the big groundbreaking ceremony.  We decided to use long metal posts with points, because we wanted this sign to serve as a lasting testament to our cause.   The sad part of this story happened while I was pounding the sign into the ground.  I heard a small scream, and then another.  Apparently, while I was pounding away I had inadvertently massacred as small pocket of endangered species that were nesting just below the surface.  I apologize.  

On a side note, the crowd turnout was excellent.  Unfortunately, there were so many people that 3 acres of wetlands were destroyed by individuals milling about enjoying themselves.  The beer gardens didn’t help anything either, and two weeks later they still haven’t moved the Port-A-Potties.

I guess the moral of the story is that giving to charity and helping people can never be fun, and that’s why it takes special individuals.   I’m also attending a sleep clinic so I can get some rest. I still have nightmares about killing the Sanchez family (The familiy of wetland creatures I killed).

Technorati Tags: wildlife, wetlands, groundbreaking, Port-A-Potties, mosquitos